Back during my days with the Mesa County Sheriff's Office (before we moved to Co. Springs) I wrote this lame little poem, which is a play on Clement Moore's classic, "Night Before Christmas." Being that Christmas is upon us, I thought it would be fun to post it here. I hope you enjoy:
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE ARRAIGNMENT
'Twas the night before arraignment when all through the jail,
Not an inmate was stirring, except those with revoked bail.
The cell doors were all locked by the night guard with care,
In hopes that the kiddie rapists would soon get the electric chair.
Detoxees were nestled all snug on the concrete floor,
With visions of meth rocks they stole from a crack whore.
And Sergeant in his office and I on my rounds,
Are counting the hours until we can leave all these hounds.
When out in booking pre-screen there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my station to see what was the matter.
Away to booking I flew like a flash,
Pulled out my taser hoping for a cho-mo to smash.
The lights on the roof of the newly painted squad car,
Gave a luster of mid-day to that State Patrol pig from afar.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an uncooperative DUI drunk off of cheap light beer.
With an attitude and mouth so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment that this guy was a dick.
More rapid than eagles his curse words they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called us by name:
"Now Copper, now Piggie, now asshole and fat witch!
On loser, on lowlife, on psycho and punk-bitch!
Let me out of these cuffs! Let me stand up real tall!
Then I'll take you down! take you down! take you down one and all!"
As dumb drunks that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with pissed off cops, mount to the sky.
So off with the cuffs the punches they flew,
With a room full of cops and Sgt. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a dud,
This stupid drunk's head hit the ground with a thud.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning to help,
I heard this dumb fool scream out with a yelp:
"It was Big John, Fat Billy, Jimmy and Paul,
If you give me a deal I will rat out them all."
He was dressed in all fur from his head to his limp,
And his clothes were all tarnished just like a dumb pimp.
A bundle of weed he was toting in his slacks,
Along with some Doritos for his special munchies snacks.
He looked like a peddler, his shoes covered in mud,
But for now he was just a punk covered in his own blood.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his face as white as chalk,
I could tell right away that he had smoked a good rock!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin covered in lipstick from his ho.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had EVERYTHING to dread.
He spoke not a word but just kept on resisting,
He looked so pathetic on the ground cursing and twisting.
Soon he was stripped of almost all of his clothes,
From the cap on his head to the shoes on his toes.
But alas, just like every other drunk in creation,
This dude quickly found himself thrown into isolation.
But I heard him exclaim as we walked out of sight,
"I will see you all in court! I'm not going down without a fight!